Developing healthy boundaries - part 2

Welcome back.

Now that you have determined if your boundaries are healthy or not, lets look at ways of fixing the lock on your boundary fence and ensuring that you are in control of what comes in and out of the gate.

I get it! Changing your behaviours and working on your boundaries may make you feel very uncomfortable. For anyone accustomed to being compliant, the process of setting boundaries may feel threatening at first. However, as you begin to stand up for yourself and your boundaries, you will feel increasingly confident. You will like and respect yourself, and others will be attracted to your authenticity and self-confidence. So let’s get started.

Here are some ways to change old patterns and establish healthier boundaries:

Mind Set

Begin with the mindset that believes having healthy boundaries is OK. It doesn't mean you are selfish or unloving – in fact, it is both completely acceptable and necessary for healthy relationships.

Define your Limits

Sit down and think about how you have been allowing others to treat you and how you might be accepting situations and behaviours that are really unacceptable and unhealthy for you. Make a list of things that people may no longer do to you, say to you, or do around you. Define your values - the things in your life that are important to you - and protect those beliefs.

Communicate

Sit down with the people involved in crossing your personal boundaries and kindly let them know what is now acceptable and what is not. Let them know how they have crossed your boundaries in the past, and ask them to respect and support your new boundaries.

Be Prepared

Expect that having conversations about boundaries may feel uncomfortable and difficult. There may be some defensiveness with those involved. That's OK. They will adjust but it may take some time. Be aware that some people in your life may not want to be in a relationship with you as a result of your outlook and demand for respect. If you remain firm, you will find that you attract new, supportive, and healthy-minded people in your life. Whatever you do, don't compromise your values, integrity, and self-respect simply to keep someone in your life. It’s not worth it for your sake.

Be Consistent

It may take some time to establish a new way of behaving and responding. Continue to reinforce your message, so that your boundaries, and others boundaries, continue to be respected. Practice saying no when you are asked to do something you don't want to do. Create a plan to respond when someone crosses your boundaries. This may include engaging in voicing your boundaries, saying no, or even walking away from the situation if needed. Over time, people will recognise your boundaries, as you practice respecting others boundaries.

Examine Yourself

Remember that respecting boundaries goes two ways. Examine your own behaviour and words to see where you might be crossing another person's boundaries. Work to change those behaviours so that you are reflecting the respect and support you want for yourself.

Be Open to Change

There's a difference between healthy boundaries and rigid boundaries. You don't want to be a controlling person, that's not the goal. The goal is a healthy relationship with those around to you, balanced by a sense of give-and-take. As you gain confidence around your boundaries, you will know when and how to adapt.

Patience

If you have had weak personal boundaries for years, be aware that  change doesn't happen overnight. Disengaging from old behaviours requires practice, and sometimes it requires the support of a counsellor. Begin to recognize and challenge the limiting beliefs that undermine your ability to set healthy boundaries. (You may need professional help with this one). Even though it can feel uncomfortable, keep going.

Trust Yourself

Believe in yourself and your value as a unique individual. Trust your instincts and feelings about what you do and don't want in your life. No one else can define your personal boundaries.

When you define and implement personal boundaries in your life, you will find that fear diminishes significantly. You will feel more empowered and self-confident because you are communicating your self-worth to those around you. The more you practice holding fast to your boundaries, the more love, respect, and support you will find in your life.