Developing healthy boundaries - part 1

Today we are looking at boundaries....

Everyone has boundaries, but the question is whether your are good – like a fence with a gate that allows appropriate things in and out, or bad – like a gate with a broken lock. Without healthy boundaries or with very weak boundaries, you simply cannot have healthy relationships.

When we have poor boundaries we can be easily hurt as we allow others to treat us badly and we say nothing. The consequences of this can be very serious, as every act of compliance or self-denial can break down another layer of our self-esteem and the respect that others have for us. This then leaves us in a constant state of insecurity.

The sad irony is that we set weak boundaries believing our behaviour will win the love and respect of others. In practice, this instead results in other people taking advantage of this willing nature. However, this cannot continue forever and over time their respect for you will diminish, undermining the love you hoped to maintain.

At the root of personal boundary issues is fear. (Isn't that the root of most issues?) It's the fear we won't be loved, that we aren't good enough, or deserving enough just as we are.

We know that people with weak personal boundaries tend to attract controlling, disrespectful, or needy people into their lives. Alternatively, they simply train others to take advantage of them because they allow themselves to be used.

You may have heard the saying “we teach people how to treat us”. You do this by establishing healthy personal boundaries. But first, you need to recognise if your boundaries are healthy or not.

Here are signs you have not set personal boundaries:

1) Saying no when you mean yes or yes when you mean no.

2) Acting against your integrity or values in order to please.

3) Not speaking up when you have something to say.

4) Adopting another person's beliefs or ideas so you are accepted.

5) Not calling out someone who mistreats you.

6) Accepting physical touch or sex when you don't want it.

7) Allowing yourself to be interrupted or distracted to accommodate another

Person’s immediate wants or needs.

8) Becoming overly involved in someone's problems or difficulties.

9) Allowing people to say things to you or in front of you that make you uncomfortable.

10) Not defining and communicating your emotional needs in your closest relationships.

Stay tuned – next time we will explore how to establish healthy boundaries.