The Ten Commandments of Fighting Fairly

1.      Fighting must be controlled.  Therefore, avoid “triggers” to emotional blow-ups.

2.      Always stay on topic.  Never allow emotions to lead you to the assumption that the other person is “out to get me”, or that power/position in the relationship is at stake.  always confront the issue.

3.      Never use foul language.  It most often serves to enflame the other person or subdue him/her.  It threatens to escalate or deflate the event by dismissing the issue and the logic of the argument in favour of hurtful and degrading insults.  No one in the end is heard.

4.      Listen to your other person. Don’t use his/her time to speak to plan strategy or prepare your next comment. Take turns speaking and listening to one another.  Make sure you were heard and understood and give evidence of the same to your partner.

5.      When an issue cannot be resolved during a fight because of time constraints or obligations, you are not to feed your anger or upset in the interim.  Put emotions related to the argument on the back burner until both of you have the time to resume the debate.

6.      Never allow yourself to become angry without also taking the time to explain why you are angry.  Once you have detailed the reason for your upset deal only with the issue instigating your anger.  Do not sidestep into a demonstration of your anger, or make the other person bear the brunt of it.  Remember, only the person feeling upset can work out the emotional distress of the event.  Don’t make the other person responsible for your own behaviour.

7.      Compromise is required when it is not possible to win over to your view of the situation.  Always leave open the option of agreeing not to agree.  But be careful not to abuse this option by cutting off communication.  Compromise is a solution...not a muzzle.

8.      Whichever way is used to resolve a fight situation, make sure feelings do not keep you and the other person apart.  Check one another out to make certain the sun is not setting on your anger.

9.      Always surrendering to the other persons point of view can be as hurtful as always seeking to win.  If the issue is one worthy of your debate, the other person  is worthy of the time the debate requires.  Let your “agreement” be sweet and something both of you can abide.

10.   Love is the essential and primary emotion that should have play/influence in your fighting.  When it is not evident, force it into the scenario by remembering with whom you are fighting and what that person means to you.