Love is grand...but its not all roses

I have no doubt that you have all heard this description of love:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.” (1 Cor 13:4-7)

As we come into Valentine’s Day, we often think about all the great things about relationships but in reality, we all know that even the healthiest of relationships aren’t conflict free. Conflict will come in all relationships, and that’s ok. You will find however, that the strongest, longest lasting couples learn to deal with conflict in a mature way. How do they do it though?

Here are some principles to dealing with conflict in a mature way:

1. Love is the essential

Love must have the greatest influence when you are arguing. When it is not evident, and you are not remembering how “love” behaves (think of the description above). You must bring love back into the scenario by remembering with whom you are fighting and what that person means to you. Remember, showing love is the end goal.

2. Be Patient  

When arguing you must be patient and considerate of the other person. Sometimes when an issue cannot be resolved because of time constraints or obligations, you must be patient. Arguments must never go on for days or even weeks. Stop, breathe, and come back at an appropriate time to resolve the issue once you have had a chance to consider the others perspective. Remember, love is patient.

3. Remain Kind.

When you argue, you must practice self-control. Don’t let your behavior or emotions lead you to treating other in an unkind manner. Once you have acknowledged the reason you are upset, deal only with the issue.  Do not make your partner bear the brunt of or your anger. Remember, love is kind.

4. Pride can play no part

When arguing, remember that you do not have to win! It is not a competition. Never allow your ego to lead you to the assumption that your partner is “out to get you”, or that power in the relationship is at stake. Relationships are not about power. Put boundaries around the subject matter so that the argument doesn’t turn into all-out war. Remember, love is not proud.

5. Never use language that dishonors others

Using hurtful and degrading insults will only inflame the situation. As a result, no one is heard - but both of you are hurt. Remember, Love does not dishonor the other.

6. Be quick to listen.

When arguing do not become arrogant or dismissive of the other person. Never use the time he/she is speaking to plan or prepare your next comment. Take turns speaking and listening to one another – and listen with authenticity. Remember Love is not self-seeking.

7. Fighting must be measured. 

Before starting a confrontation take a moment and ask yourself “Am I being driven by the issue or the anger?” Avoid “triggers” to emotional blow-ups when you can, and if you need to, take time to calm down before addressing the issue. Remember, love is not easily angered.

 8. When the argument is over it is over.

Once the argument has been resolved, make sure negative feelings do not keep you and your partner apart. Do not carry resentment or anger with you to be used at a later date. Each party should own their mistakes, apologize and move on. Remember, love does not keep a tally of wrongs.

9. Show Empathy

Think about the other persons perspective. By empathizing, you help the other person feel heard, understood and valued. When you can genuinely say, ‘I may not agree with you but I understand you’, this will show that your end goal is finding a resolution that works for everyone. Remember, love always protects.

 10. Know the end goal.

In the end, we must persevere and come to a resolution that works for both of you. Acknowledge that neither of you will always be right, say sorry when you need to, and commit to keep working together to strengthen the relationship.  Remember, love perseveres.

Above all, remember to show love. Happy Valentines Day.

Keep going, Sue.